Friday, January 30, 2009

The Honest Truth

As you know from previous posts Larkin was a tough infant. She cried, a lot. It is difficult to hear a baby cry all the time. Even more difficult to be the mother of that child and not be able to offer anything to quell the cry. We fed her. She cried. We changed her. She cried. We shushed her. She cried. We did everything we could possibly think of. She cried. It made for a very tough and physically and emotionally draining time. I loved her because she was my child, because I helped make her and bring her to this world, but I had a hard time liking her, to be perfectly honest.
My girlfriend Paige, called me a few weeks after she was born to check in. After telling her what was happening she immediately started to empathize. Her son was exactly the same. After I shared my feelings she asked, "Do you feel like you have had a hard time bonding with her." I hesitated with my response. I wanted to be able to tell her that of course we had bonded and we were close, like mother and newborn should be, but I just couldn't tell her we were, because we weren't. I didn't feel connected with her yet, that's for sure. She was tough. She made me anxious because she was a time bomb; I never knew when she was going to blow but she always would and the explosion would last forever and it wears on a person to hear a baby cry day in and day out. It was really hard to bond with her because she was work. She was mine and she was perfect, but she was hard work.

Four months later she has mellowed and I see her true personality. 

Now, I am unquestionably,



incandescently,



wholeheartedly,



completely,



thoroughly,



and entirely bonded and in love with my little girl.

And that's the honest truth. 

15 comments:

Amanda Tom said...

Her cheeks are to DIE for. She's precious and adorable and I can see why you're in love with her! She is gorgeous Nuz!

By the way, good luck with your final semester. You ARE a rock star. And you can still eat fruit snacks with Gunnar for breakfast. I don't blame either one of you.

D Baker Photography said...

These are by far the best photos I've seen of your little one. That first is just.. WOW! That would look great in her adorable room. Bless you for the trials...now- awhh, peace- well sorta :)

LoveByrds Photography said...

I LOVE when you post pictures of Larkin! She is such a beautiful baby girl! Her sweet face warms my heart :)

Krystal said...

These photos are gorgeous! Just gorgeous! I've been a lurker for awhile and think your photography is simply beautiful!

I see your son and you in these pictures!

She is beautiful!

Happy Friday!
Krystal in TX

*Jess* said...

Your honesty made me cry! I wish more moms would be honest about their feelings, too, because there seems to be such an expectation of perfectness when a new baby comes home, and its seldom that. Thank you for showing moms everywhere that bonding with your child can happen at any time, its never too late.

Jodie said...

What sweet pictures! That last one looks so much like Gunnar. I'm glad that she's easier. Although, maybe the heartache from those first few months are just preparation for when she's a teenager! :) We're not looking forward to it, believe me!

tracyallegre said...

Will you turn me in if I say I want to eat her? She looks as sweet as a cupcake! Love these pictures.

greygillfish said...

I've been a fan of yours for a while, but I must say these pics have become my favorite. She is beautiful, and you just made my baby fever sky rocket.

I am glad to hear she is treating her Mommy better these days.

Keep up the great posts...you inspire me!

maren said...

so cute kamee! larkin is a doll and i can't believe how much she looks like gunnar! she is adorable...i am glad that she has become such a great baby!

hansenfive said...

Those pictures are great. She is adorable. And i'm glad she has mellowed...i know from experience that having a difficult baby makes for many hard months...but it's so worth it.

Jennifer P. said...

I had a hard time bonding with my weepy second one too. I can remember eating dinner with the vacuum cleaner turned on every night for almost a month because it was the only thing that would make him be quiet for just a few minutes. But the bonding came--just as it did with you and that gorgeous Larkin! There IS something magical about that 4 month mark, isn't there? It's like you can see life and the possibility of life again.

Those are such, SUCH beautiful pictures!

*Lissa* said...

She is beautiful!!

jereme, tiffany, stella and drake said...

just love her.. love the announcement, super cute.. miss you, monday starbuck date soon....

Danielle said...

I can completely relate to this post. Mackenzie was my Larkin. These photos are beautiful! You have gorgeous children. It was good to see you (if only for a minute) the other night.

The Grainger Family said...

Those pictures could be a Baby Gap ad, Kamee! Your comments about the difficulty of bonding will impact many women who feel the same, but think there's something wrong with them. Keep strong and enjoy those sweet cheeks and to die for eyes!